The taller bride

Should you wear heels? Should you stoop? Are these questions important? We learned recently that 1 in 700 marriages have a taller bride. So - enjoy the uniqueness!

Tall women are wonderful. If you are tall, be tall. The question about heels is either a simple question (how does it go with the dress? Are you more comfortable up or down - it's going to be a long night..) OR a very complicated question (is SOMEONE uncomfortable about a size differential? Does size matter? Is it anyone's business but YOURS?)

This is rather like premarital counseling. If it MATTERS to one of you, do you know how to talk about it? Who decides? Is there any perceived or real unease? These are questions only the two of you can answer - not wedding planners, mothers, girlfriends or buddies. You'll have to ask each other many other harder questions in your life -- about kids, mortgages, birth and death and dirty laundry. Solve this one with understanding, grace and humor - and all will be well.

Should you dress casually for an elopement

That's totally up to you! But it would be a GOOD IDEA to take your sunglasses off for the ceremony - it's only 10 minutes out of your entire life, after all. It might be nice to look into your partner's eyes for that split second of commitment.

"Giving Away" the bride - and vow alternatives

Well, I actually haven't seen an actual instance of 'giving away' for years. But the question still arises from time to time. People also confuse the procession (walking down the aisle) with 'giving away'. Of course modern brides often walk down the aisle by themselves, or with both parents, or their mom, or sometimes even enter with the groom. Regardless, you can give the person you are walking with a kiss and hug and proceed to the ceremony space yourself, of course.

But it is still nice to ask the family/friends for their support for your marriage, as you invited them to the ceremony because you presumably wanted their participation in this important event. So if you want to formalized their support, here's a bit of ceremony to add:

FAMILY/FRIENDS CEREMONY of SUPPORT
[takes the place of 'giving away the bride', a remnant of dowries and arranged marriages. In some cultures, there are actually 'sponsors' of the bride and groom, who are expected to act as a kind of 'godparent' through their married lives, offering support and assistance. In some other cultures, the family expresses their happiness that the bride and groom are leaving their family homes and establishing their own home together. Regardless, this is a way to 'break the fourth wall' (in theatrespeak) and ask your guests to participate in your ceremony. If you're holding a public ceremony, as opposed to eloping, it's assumed you'd like your guests to feel involved - so go for it. It's a nice alternative to the "who gives this woman to be married to this man?" question.

CELEBRANT:
[May ask family members to stand, or join in a circle, or may simply address the guests together. You may use your own words]
As we gather here to join ___ and ___ in marriage. It is fitting that you, the families [and/or] friends of ___ and ___ be here to witness and to participate in their wedding, for the ideals, the understanding, and the mutual respect which they bring to their marriage have their roots in the love, friendship, support [and guidance] you have given them.

or, to parents:
As our sons and daughters (and/or friends) find partners and found homes for the next generation, each family (each group of friends) is enriched and enlarged.

To all:
This couple, ____ and _____, will need your love and support in the future, not only on this special day. Do you now offer your support and best wishes for this couple, wishing them the best of lives together? [If so, please answer "We do"]

Other ideas:
We have a few more ceremony ideas on our website: weddingsofnewyork.com, including a selection of readings/vows which feature equal partnerships between the couples.
Here is a list of modern wedding vows, which feature equality and commitment.

I especially like this Irish wedding vow:

You cannot possess me for I belong to myself
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.
You cannot command me for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you in those ways you require
And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night.
and the eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite from my meat.
And the first drink from my cup.
I pledge to you my living, and my dying, equally in your care.
And tell no strangers our grievances.
This is my wedding vow to you
This is a marriage of equals.

and this one:

I [Name] take you,[Name],
to be no other than yourself
loving what I know of you
trusting what I do not yet know
with respect for your integrity
and faith in your love for me
through all our years
and in all that life may bring us.

of wedding rings and mindfulness

The very first couple I married decided they needed no rings - as they were Buddhists, and needed no outward symbols.
But their family felt that rings were important. So the couple went out and got wooden rings on the morning of their wedding. The ceremony was outdoors, in December, and we were all freezing. When they put on their rings, the wood snapped. Everyone else gasped, but the couple simply said - "you see? all material goods are impermanent!" They were VERY happy.

Here is an appropriate reading - which we also posted on the front page -

When two people are at one
in their inmost hearts
They shatter even the strength of iron, of bronze

And when two people understand each other
in their inmost hearts
Their words are sweet and strong
like the fragrance of orchids.
--from the I Ching

For a discussion of conflict-free diamonds and sapphires and conflict-free gold, see our other blog, ethicalceremonies

Here is a Shakespearean reference to rings symbolizing committment:

During Shakespeare's time, the wedding and engagement rings indicated commitment. The rings Portia and Nerissa gave to Bassanio and Gratiano, that they were never to remove, were just that. "I give them with this ring, Which when you part from, lose, or give away, Let it presage the ruin of your love And be my vantage to exclaim on you" (3.2.171-4).

Rings were common mainly among the richer parts of society, who could afford such a token. Mary Queen of Scots sent a diamond ring to Thomas Duke of Norfolk to indicate her willingness to marry him. However, peasants would give smaller tokens or none at all. It was usually the case that everyone in a village knew who was married, so no symbol was necessary. In the case that a man wishes to break a wedding contract, he must give back double all of the tokens he has received, usually a collection of small items. This made it even less practical for the poorer people in society to give rings.

Children in your wedding ceremony?

Children are cute and they know it.
But really, it's your wedding, not the toddlers.

If your little 3 year old niece, neighbor (or daughter)really wants to be in the wedding, then have some grown-up take her hand and walk her down the aisle and then sit with her on their lap.

DON'T EXPECT MUNCHKINS TO DO ANYTHING YOU TOLD THEM TO DO. There are PEOPLE watching them. They will either: balk, cry, run, turn bashful -- OR sit down in the middle of the aisle and play with their flower petals.

Regardless, they'll take over the wedding..
And you really don't want that, do you?

I speak as a knowing granny of a delightful 3 year old. She was WONDERFUL at the last family wedding -- when she was 3 days old. She'd love the dress, but the drama potential is too high to risk it.

Dogs are trouble too. Even with bow ties. They usually get nervous, and you-know-what-they-do. Don't use the dogs. Get a dog sitter.

IT'S YOUR WEDDING - not a surprise birthday party...

Alternative wedding ceremony location spots

A civil wedding service takes 12-23 minutes. Without the religious bits, but a few nice readings. That's 3 subway stops in New York (and 4 in Toronto). Don't know about Madrid and Boston and Rome.

So you need to be able to LISTEN and STAY WARM and DRY and seriously FOCUSED for half a television show minus cthe ommercials. (Or, "This Hour has 22 minutes" in Newfoundland).

Hard to do while sky-diving. But ice skates are OK - and you may already have cheesy organ music. Maybe you could sit on the Zamboni? Bridges and helicopters and boats are tricky. You need to SIGN the license somewhere with a real postal address. But you can have the CEREMONY anywhere non-Google-mapped, and just do the paperwork before or after.

Pick somewhere memorable, where you are either SURROUNDED by lots of people (Times Square, the County Fair, or fairly alone - a wilderness park! though the wedding party must be good paddlers). The middling bits are just annoying, as tourists and bystanders stop and make comments. And they take all those pictures of you on their cell phones.

Even in the biggest city, there are oases. There ARE secret places in Central Park. And quiet beaches can be nice at sunset and at dawn. But you might also consider -- YOUR LIVING ROOM! Just move the furniture! Your great-grandmother was probably married at home. It's an easy place to revisit for your anniversary. Get some flowers and new curtains and roll up the rugs. And you've already got your IPOD enhancement system.

Just remember to turn off the TV. I married someone in their Annie Hall like-apartment in NY, and we all stood and hummed the 'wedding march', and the bride came out of the bedroom - but we forgot to turn off Regis. He shows up in all the pictures.

Or if you have friends who live in Condos, start asking about their party rooms - some are on the top floors and have smashing views. We had a lovely wedding in a borrowed penthouse party room, and catered the WHOLE THING with Fresh Direct, cake and all. More money for the wine, you see?

Printable version: Green Wedding Location ideas

We've started a list of green locations over a agreenbride. Here's the first:
Getting Married in a National Park

Getting married in a red dress

Is perfectly appropriate.

Especially for Asian brides, of course -- but almost anyone looks good in red. Here's a pix I took last week at the Metropolitan Museum (NYC). Formerly thought to be Ellen Terry, it's another actress portraying Portia. Nice hair. Nice dress. Go for it.
We've married lots of people in red -- and Red Velvet Cake makes a great wedding cake. One of the weddings-in-a-red-dress had a jazz concert after by "Scarlet". And red favors. Very hot.

Embrace your inner red. It's a chance for great red shoes, an antique stole or Chinese silk wrap. And a red paper umbrella. The groom can also have fun with accessories, a great jacket, red socks..

Unless it's your normal wear, though, don't try saris or salwar kameez or cheongsam. You probably won't remember how to stand or walk in it

Almost any colour is OK - midnight blue doesn't take photographs very well. Green is supposed to be bad luck, but here's a nice Brooklyn bride in Green, just caught by the wind.

Indulge yourself. Silk brocade is lovely in winter, as well, and you can wear it later - another bonus. And probably no one else will be wearing it at your wedding. It's a great time for frills - organza, lace, spring flowers, cheery flowery dresses, make everyone feel happy. We married a lovely bride in black - for a Goth wedding under the Brooklyn Bridge. The wedding was at 9pm, in candlelight, with the stars sparkling on the waters. It was a velvety night, and lovely wedding.

Just think: choose your own dress and you won't have to compare yourself with all those OTHER gazillion bridezillas, each in their Wang wannabe knockoff. Be unique. Because you are.

Here is a site which makes medieval (or Elvish) red dresses - or any other colour.
Rivendellbridal.

And of course the Queen of Red Dresses, Ariel Meadow Stallings, has lots of pix of extraordinary red dresses. Go look.

And don't forget - Queen Victoria wore white because she had some lace to show off, not to depict her virginal status, that's a myth. Most people look awful in pure white, which is, after all, a colour of mourning. Elude pale, be real.

Green wedding 1

Shakespeare Garden, Central Park

Green wedding? Buy Carbon offsets for your wedding from this site:
Terrapass.com. We've updated the list with other choices in #9, below.
Here are 10 questions to shape your thinking about green weddings - from tree-hugger.com


1. Watch the numbers
.. each person you invite means more miles traveled, more food consumed, a bigger venue, and more waste when it’s all over...invite as many loved ones as you want, but keep an eye on the numbers and be aware that the more the guest list grows, the harder it is to draw the line...

2. Source locally
...some things are more important than others. Food and drinks are a great place to start. If there’s a good micro-brewery down the road, why truck in a keg of your favorite organic ale? .. Flowers are also worth sourcing locally. Try community gardens.

3. Source green
Everything you buy or rent for your wedding will have an environmental and social impact... Can you encourage caterers to use organic produce? What is your dress made of? How was the gold in the rings mined? Did those tasty little gift bags of chocolate involve slave labor? Even if you can’t establish the green credentials of every single supplier, at least by asking questions about such issues you are already making a difference. Remember though, what is green may not always be obvious — while a hemp suit may be a good eco-statement, if it is going to sit in the closet for most of your married life, you could be much better off with a traditional rental service. Similarly, party rentals for linens and glasses are a classic example of a product service system — They provide the perfect means for getting the most use out of minimal resources.

4. Pick your venue
Choosing a location that is as close to as many of your guests as possible will reduce your wedding’s impact in a big way... why not consider supporting your local community garden, farmer --or other worthwhile project? (This TreeHugger and his soon to be treehugging wife will be tying the knot at Celebrity Dairy, a local low-impact dairy farm in North Carolina that, conveniently, does excellent green-minded catering). Not only will your wedding serve as a useful source of revenue for the chosen local hosts, it can also raise awareness of their work and send a strongly personal message about the issues that you and your partner care about.

5. Greening transportation
Try to provide as much information on transport options as possible - train, bus, bike, or at least by carpool... Pictures of the happy couple arriving on a Christiania Bike or G-Wiz electric car will preserve the eco-propaganda value of your wedding for some time to come.

6. Make it personal
Why not ask friends to grow and bring flowers? You’ll end up with the most fabulous flower (un)arrangements ever seen, why not create a scrap book to which friends and relatives can add poems, drawings, pictures, or anecdotes. These are the things that most folks remember most fondly—not the chocolate fountain or the cut-glass chandeliers.

7. The perfect eco-invites
..There is an increasing number of suppliers of recycled, handmade, or tree-free invitations out there - If you are happy breaking from tradition, then electronic invites like Evites are worth considering, too.

8. Gifts of conscience
There are almost too many retailers of green gifts to mention these days, and many offer registry services. So why not ask for that solar cooker you’ve always wanted? ... Many local craft stores may also do registries, and even mainstream retailers now have many eco-options, such as organic linens, etc. Remember though, less is almost always more when it comes to being green ... think carefully about how many bamboo yoga mats you really want or need. If you have all you need, why not create an online donation registry to a worthy cause instead?

9. Offsetting the rest
Popular choices include Terrapass, Native Energy, and MyClimate in the US, planetair in Canada, (good international info and calculators at The David Suzuki Foundation and Climate Care in Europe. Native Energy even has an online wedding offset calculator. If you can’t afford offsets for the whole wedding, then why not offset a portion and ask guests to contribute to the rest? You can at least include information on offset providers on the invites so guests can choose whether to offset their travel. Be aware though, that some see offsetting as fundamentally flawed, no matter which provider you choose — so make sure it fits with your version of what’s green.

10. Communicate
Tell guests about yourselves and about what is important to you. If you can create a wonderful, magical celebration that treads a little lighter on the planet, then people will remember it. Too many folks still believe environmentalism is all doom and gloom — this is the perfect opportunity to prove them wrong!"

Wedding Flowers - recycling

Flower recycling in NY

Think twice about tossing those beautiful flowers. Give them to Flowerpower, a charitable organization that donates blooms from weddings, funerals, and corporate events. With the help of a nominal donation from you or your company, the flowers are reassembled into bouquets for patients in hospices, nursing homes, and hospitals. see flowerpowerfoundation.org

To find less expensive flowers, visit the flower wholesalers in the flower districts in big cities. In New York it's in Chelsea. Here is an example:

Starbright Floral Design
150 West 28th Street
StarFlor.com
NY, NY, 10001
800-520-8999

Here is a DIYvideo on how to make a bride's wedding bouquet (though I'd wrap the satin ribbon all the way down the stems).

Here is a company offering 'organic' bouquets and a little blog post on what this means.

Wedding attendants - their jobs and their roles

Why have a best man? What does the maid of honor do? Why all those bridesmaids? Why BOTHER with it all?

The traditional role of the 'best man' was to be the groom's supporter and legal witness -- and in some cases, to bravely fight off the bride's father and male relatives while the groom (Romeo) rushed out of side exit of the wedding chapel with the bride (Juliet). Obviously, the Maid of Honor was needed to pull her veil down over her head and stand-in for the bride, as Father Lawrence confuses everyone and gains time for the newlyweds.

But I digress. The maid of honor and the best man are the 'mini-me' mirror image of the bridal couple. They are often married (to each other) and represent married love. Or they're not married and represent "the next marriage". But they are not really necessary. Their 'traditional' role is to hold the rings, hold the bouquets, help the bride with her dress, and make speeches at the reception. But anyone over 18 can be your witness (your mom, the photographer, the waiter in the restaurant where you elope) and you don't really need rings at all.

So unless you want matching rows of brown tuxedos with chocolate-tipped ruffles (on the boys?), or those wine-coloured taffeta bridesmaids dresses, consider being un-traditional about your attendants. Have none. Or have odd numbers. Or mix and match the sexes (dress the girls in tuxes and the men in kilts). Or just have a couple of good friends or siblings stand up with you and hold things and then sign your license.

Ask your male friends to dress nicely -- and identify them with a buttonhole flower, bought at a deli. Ask your girl friends to pick a nice dress and just let you know what they have in mind (theme? black and white?). Give them some flowers from the deli as well, that you can simply wrap in ribbon and let the ties hang down.

Or just have your friends sit or stand near you, and come forward at the appropriate time to help. No procession, no dyed shoes -- but a clearer idea of their role: to act as the representatives of the community, supporting you in your decision to form a new family unit. It's a good enough role without the matching shoes...